Death and unanswered questions

I do not know how many people out here have had to deal with the loss of a loved one, nor could I even imagine the numbers! But, death is a part of reality. When I look back at the family and friends that I have lost this year alone, I get a deep pain in my heart, as some of them were not much older than I am today. This brings to mind my own mortality.

Like most out there, we tend to think that our parents or children are impervious to death, we think that are all suppose to be around forever. I think I got my mortality slap when I was 25, and my dad died. He was only 61 years old. In retrospect, I realize now how little I knew this man. He was a drop in parent all my life. Yet, during the final weeks of his life, I was a constant in his, I was concerned that he would die and leave me with impending questions on why... just "why?"

It was not until later when I was 41 and my only sibling had died did I get some answers to my life long quest to determine why my father was a drop in dad. Mike was only 43 when he died, he did not talk alot about his life in San Diego, and when he died, I was left to find out that my brother was a "saint" in the eyes of many of his friends. Yet, we knew nothing of this part of him. He did a ton of volunteer work, gave up vacation pay and time to help those who needed it, spent 24/7/7 at Standown for homeless VETS to get them back in the system. How can I forget his work with SD Pride.. wow! This person had a long list of awards and letters of appreciation stuffed everywhere around his loft! I was amazed and set back by all of this knowledge. That is when it hit me...

It did not matter why my dad was the way he was, I was to love him no matter what because he was my father. BUT, I did not have to like his actions toward me. In one letter that I found among Michael's stuff, it became obvious that we were not the "apples of his eye" nor were we to be treated like his children. He did not pay child support or send home an allotment when he was in the military. It was the mythical dad that I always wanted.. not what I got "stuck" with.

Later in my life, I would face yet another death that left me wondering, but, not questioning. My granddaughter, Anna died at just 32 days old. Her lil life was nothing but a struggle from the time she popped her lil head into this world. As much as I would have loved to blame God for this, it was not God, it was human nature that dealt her the problems that she had. If it was not for us having "freewill" as a gift from God, then we would not learn from the trials and tribulations that happen while we are here. We can either follow His laws and commandments, or we can just move through this life not thinking of the outcome of our actions.

When we look at the entire "book" of life, if we do not know God, we can not emulate Him or his word. I believe that by the Grace of God, is why I am here. I learned lessons from my father as how to be a good parent by his example of his lacking parenting skills, AND Mike left me a legacy of how I can overcome this issue by helping others. Anna, well, she gave me the best gift of all, the ability to still love God and not place blame on what happens. It is all part of his plan, and by her death, maybe there will come knowledge that will save another child through medical procedures or her legacy will be the work that I am doing to help others along their path enduring what we endured with her issues and death.

Is is all up to us to look at someones life and make is a legacy? Or do we look at their life and not learn from it.. I choose the first one, to look at someone's life, see what we can do with our memories and lessons learned and challenge ourselves on a daily basis to make a difference in how we live our own lives.

I know this was a random post, but, at 345 in the morning, my brain was aching to say something.

Please continue to support ANP and Angel Blankets... as we are trying to comfort those in need, and make one more person come unto God, just by loving His children..

I say this in Jesus' name, Amen..

Peggy

September is here...

As the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon is on, it reminds me of the unofficial end of summer. Always there, and like all things, reminds me of the years gone by. I remember the family watching it in the 70's.. and now all these years later, I try to catch part of it and see if there is progress in the research, it is a disease that is more than anything a taker.

I am still gathering things for the raffle for the nonprofit, it is still a challenge. I have to get out this next week and hustle and try to get an office and continued support. I have a schedule this week that is phenomenal!! I have a couple of job interviews, as well as visiting business and churches to get support. I am hoping that out of all of this we will get support that we need. I am preparing the "talks" as I know that I will be asked to give.

I have spoken several times regarding domestic violence and what had happened to Anna.. but, I have yet to put them together for speaking...ack!! It will be ok.. I will be at a local street fair in Portland next Saturday. I will be a time to talk and share what has happened.. and sell raffle tickets. With the Grace of God, I will make a difference in this world. Ministry is vital to the success of any good organization. We have to be able to share the story of Jesus and use Him as our example of why we give so much of ourselves for no pay. It is all about becoming more Christ-like in our day to day activities. By humbling ourselves and getting past the "gotta-haves" and being happy with what we do have, we can change the world one person at a time.

In this world, we have several chances to give back for what we do have. What I do not understand is why we generally choose not to. I have a friend who is one of my best friends, and this person is always there to help me. This person is not what I want to call deeply religious, but he does have faith. Is he so different than those who congregate regularly? Do you know people who are regular church members that are part of the world and do not give of themselves? Please share with me your thoughts ..

Blessing and in Prayer.. Peggy

what is your why?

As each day passes, I am getting more and more support for ANP, it is a great thing when you can feel the devotion and love beginning to flow from the people that I am working with. I truly feel that the time has come for us to be able to at least get a slow start, and it will be a struggle, and at times alot of travel, but, all in all we are working hard to make this a reality. With the support that we are getting, it makes me drive myself all the harder to do what needs to be done. By giving of ourselves, we are doing what the Lord has commanded us to do. We need to pray daily for the children like Anna, who really had to struggle for the 32 days she lived.

BUT, in those 32 days, she touched the lives of so many people, and changed my life forever. What a legacy that she has left behind! Who else among us can say that? Anna is my why... what is yours?

Each day brings new challenges, dreams and reality!

Hello, Friends!
We are off to a fair start from nothing. I have been working hard at running the sewing machine, crocheting, looking for a job and looking for a place where we can have an office. This is not an easy task, when you are working with relatively nothing. I have contacted local churches to see if I can get a room where we can hold meetings, but, alas, nothing yet.

I am excited about the open house we will be having on the 18th of September. We are having munchies, meeting our board members and accepting donations to get the baby stuff as well as keep the mailings going. It has been a task to do this all with faith, but I have it in capital letters! FAITH!!

I was reflecting the other day on the spirit of the Holy Ghost and the promptings that we often receive and sadly, ignore. This has been a real blessing to my life as I see how God has allowed me to do something that is challenging, yet I feel so blessed. Via this course, I have met some interesting people and reconnected with some friends. Truly, this is a calling for me.

I feel the joy in my heart when I see the work that I have so far been able to accomplish in small corner of my craft room.. imagine what I can do with a real space... the possibilities are endless.

I am saddened by the loss of people on a daily basis, and feel that there is nothing that can be said to them to ease the pain at the moment. I learned that it is not ok to say "I know how you feel" because I do not know how THEY feel, but, I can empathize with them, and just be there.

It is not about telling people what they need to do, but, being there to help them with the basic things, and for them to lean on in a time of crisis. It is this vigil that will mean the most to them after they take a moment when it is all said and done that they will remember with a smile.

So, with all of this said and done, please, be aware of those in need... and give a hug when needed and space when requested.

Love P

WE are a REAL non-profit!!!

We are officially a non-profit!!

We are going to be up and running soon.. it has been a long rough road, but I am at this point. With the Grace of God, I am here. I have been doing alot of praying the last few months, and I have my paper hanging on the wall. I am beginning to look for a room that we can use as a meeting place, and have burial clothes on hand for kids that do not make it. It is an arduous task to even think that way, but, reality can sometimes bite big time. I remember how to this day how special it was to have that lil sweater set for Anna as I held her in my arms, and I want to have that available for other grandparents.

Anna lived only 32 days, but her impact was huge, her little face was angelic from the first day I saw it, and there was nothing wrong with her beauty. Little did I know what an impact this child would have on my life, nor how it would change it. I am still looking for work, as the non-profit says it all.. but it is not for the money that I do this, it is for the love of helping others.

I pray on a daily basis that Anna is looking down with total approval on this project. It is not an easy road, but, a road that has to be traveled non the less. I have been creative like crazy in my lil spare bedroom, I have been crocheting, sewing, and even writing several articles to bring to light the plight of the grandparents, aunts, and uncles that have been left behind by the aftermath of Meth..we are a peer to peer support group and for now, we are trying to establish how to reach out to those in need. It is a task for which it keeps me off of the streets..lol..and gives me plenty to do while I am home and looking for work.

How can you lbe helped by people that do not know your pain? The truth is, you can't. I do not profess to know how a specific person feels, however, I know my pain, and the pain that has turned into this project. To be constructive in the wake of destructiveness is a true calling and blessing. All around us on a daily basis, this drug takes from someone, I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but, I have been on the side of the abuse. I am here to stand for those who can not, pray for those who think they have nothing to pray for and to listen to those who feel no one is listening. WE are Anna's Nana's Place, a place of help, hope and healing.



Phone # 360-718-0051, it is always on..

If anyone knows of any place where I can share my message, please, feel free to email me at annasnanasplace@comcast.net, or call me... I would love to put together a powerpoint and share my vision, and help others.

If we neglect what Heavenly Father has laid before us, then we have joined the masses that are not listening.. or heading the Word. P

It is a beginning

As we all have lifes challenges ahead, we have to remember how we got to where we are today, and for me that was a long road. As much as I wish I could say that my life was an easy one, it has not been, for I grew up poor in a small logging town, known as Estacada Oregon! My mom had me when she was 32, and my brother when she was 30. She was a waitress who supported her two children on a small wage. Food stamps had not been invented yet, so we got "commodities" from the government.

Let me give you a brief Mother history... Mom was born 10-28-1929, and was the oldest of a large family. She was born during the depression and they were not a rich family by any stretch of the word. So, my mom knew how to stretch a dollar and we never went without, we did not have luxuries, but, we had a home, clothes and food, heck, we even had a babysitter! So, we were never left alone. One home I remember was a little apartment, it was tiny, but, it was home. My brother and I had discovered a dirt pile out back, and let me tell ya.. sticks, rocks and a little imagination turned that dirt pile in to a little city with roads and everything. We even had a TV, and it had a remote.. my brother and I! It was not a great life, but I will tell you this, we had fun! I do not remember ever being unhappy as a child. We did not have video games, or 100 channels to choose from (we had 4) so we had to have an imagination to get us through the day.

Ok, so I digress.. let me get back to the story.. as we were on commodieties, we did not have a lot of luxury food, but, we never went hungry. My mom being an older mom, knew how to make bread, cookies, cakes, and how to stretch a meal. I remember one luxury meal (and no.. we did not have any fast food places out there when I was little.. no Dominos or McDonalds) we would get a Chef Boyrlee pizza or spagetti in the box, and that my friends was a great treat!

I guess it all comes down to what you want out of life.. do you want to have a life, or do you want to work to maintain a lifestyle that looks good to everyone else?

With this being said, I have changed my life 360 degrees from what it was just a few years ago. It is not about what we have materially, but what we have as a family. As I look into the past, with my eyes wide open now, I see that the happiest times in this life were not about money, but about quality family time. THIS is what has made me challenge myself to do what I know is right.

How many times have you sat and looked at your childhood and said it was a bad one? BUT how many times have you looked at the good things in your childhood? I know that when I was growing up, I was always jealous of what the other children had, but, they did not have what I had, a mom that would take care of us first. Some of the kids had homes, all the toys that they wanted, but they did not have a family dynamic. My mom did not drink alot when I was growing up, and she did date and go out. But, she was home when she needed to be. She did not spend all of her time at the bar, I guess we were lucky.

It is these things that drives me to my passion to help others, even as poor as we were, we always had money or food to give during times of food drives and other things. It was all about what we could do for others.. even as far as just being there for them. As I am approaching my 50's.. it amazes me how often we change our outlook on life and what our triggers are that do so. For me, my abuse, my brother, grand-daughter and step-father dying has all played a part in this goal of mine, but, it is also about honoring my mother who has always been a tower of strength to me when I needed an example of what I should and could be.

My mother did not get beyond a grade school education, but, she had skills that could raise a family, some people that have degrees can not even do that! All we need to do is look at our past to see how we can make it in these troubled times, protect our children, help our parents, and pray daily for those who are in pain and do not know who God is!

As for me, I will continue my quest to make my dream a reality, a legacy that will not only honor my grand-daughter, but, my mom and myself. It it is not about making a name for myself, but all the trials and tribulations that we go through on a daily basis, and I want to make a difference... I want no one else to be abused, or hurt during pregnancy!

As I look forward to this step.. I Love all of you.. who I know or not who support me and my cause.. soon we will have a gathering and we will see how far we have come..

Blessings and Love to all
P

A friend in pain

Recently, a friend of mine has a grandchild who has a severe head trauma. They do not know the outcome, and they are in pain. In reflecting on their pain, I find that at these times, is why I want to have this dream become a reality. I feel that there is a place that is needed for them to go and have a place to talk, cry, pray and be with others.

We have our families, our church families and our work families, however, there are those times when we want to go talk, vent, and totally let out all the emotions that are there and let them out. I know that it is a sad thing when you are in pain, and you do not know what to do with the emotions! Keeping them "canned" up can cause problems within the family unit. When going through stages, anger is the one that can cause things to be said that are truly not meant to be said. Words can hurt..so one would need to be vigilant with ones emotions.

I have learned so much regarding the emotions all the way around. In looking toward the future, the people that need help are not getting it. We have families falling apart due to the lack of emotions and communication. Communication is a key factor regarding the resolution of an issue. One of my husbands, we kept a journal on the living room table, and we would write to each other during the day. Even a simple I love you or thought, or a "honey do" list. We worked different shifts, and we had limited time to talk, back then we had no cell phones or computers, so that was our way of instant messaging each other. It worked for us. Just a thought!!

Well, my prayers are with my friend and her family!

P

A new day!

Each and every day I wake up with new hope! I pray that there has been a night without pain to a child or a loved one, sadly I turn on the news to find that there has been a child hurt or a loved one killed. I find it very painful! To think that someone would intentionally kill another person is insane to me. There is not reason for this to happen. I think of the people that witnessed the event, and all the help that they are going to need after the fact. Most of the time, it is not even remotely thought of down the road, until one day, the witness has a flashback and poof! It is there for all them to playback in their mental tape over and over again. Where is the help down the road for these families and people. Long since the event is over, they are people who are still in need of help. This is yet another reason that my lil shelter is vital. I feel that there is a need and the need is great Sadly, the hoops I am jumping through takes time.. sigh! Each day is a wasted life.. life that we could have saved. What does it take to make others see we can do to if we are given a chance to do it? In all, this is not just a dream, this can be a reality.. if only we can believe. Please pray that one day this can work out for all intended.

P

Each Day...

I pray that there will be no child born with meth in their little systems, but, we all know it is not a reality, that is a dream! As I look forward to being able to turn this little dream into a reality, each step is a step! It does not matter how long it will take, it will happen! I am going to school, conferences, and still, I do not have enough information! Starting this non-profit has been a challenge with all that goes on, but dangnabit!! ima gonna make it happen.

We all have our burdens to bear, to me this is not a burden, but, a gift from God. There are several things that I could be doing in my spare time but, I am on here networking and trying to make a go of this dream. Some days I get told no so many times, I want to toss in the towel! However, for those that know me, they know that is not an option! I have been told that it is something I can not do, makes me want to do it more and more.

As we look into the future, there is always a person that needs help, but help is vital for those who are ready. Do you realize that every 5 seconds, someone is being hurt by their so called parter or loved one? I have a hard time when I see what has happened on the news, and you know that someone had to have heard something, but did they call 911 or even offer to help? When I was being abused, I now that the neighbors heard, but did nothing. When I think back to that, it hurts, however, it was nothing new! As in those days, there was nothing amazing about it, it was happening all the time, and it was just a domestic dispute, which basically meant: I am going to leave you hear to get the crap knockd out of you when I leave!!

Laws have changed, people have been saved, some have been injured, some had died. With each woman that has died, someone lost a mother, sister, grandchild, and/or friend. They cry for those who have died, and hae pain for those who have or are battling now in saving their life. Do you know that there is only one dv shelter in Vancouver? Unbelievable! This needs to be remedied!

As my challenges go on, I will do what needs to be done.. please pray !

Peggy

Welcome!

This blog is dedicated to those who have lost a grandchild due to the mother taking Meth. Let me share my story.. In June of 2005, a lovely grand-daughter, Anna was born, she was soo pretty. The perfect looking lil lady. BUT, there was a slight problem both the baby and the mom tested positive for meth. The mom and dad left the hospital and Anna was left all alone. When I first saw her, she had tubes running out of several places. The first look, the tears started to fall, I had never seen anything like that in my life.

We were told that she had no gag reflexes, and that she would need 24/7 care. Days passed and she was well enough to go to a medical foster home. It was on July 8th, 2005, we got the call that she was back in the hospital, dying. We went rushing to her side, only to hear the physicians tell me that she was not going to live. I had a friend come up and give her a blessing, and then as I held her, they took the respirator off, and for 42.5 minutes, later, this little angel, went home. She passed through the veil to be a Jesus' side.

It was at that point that I knew I had to do something, and my dream was born! Anna's Nana's Place, a place for help, hope and healing. It is my dream to open and run a non-profit that will service the grandparents and other family members, and also help victims of domestic violence.

I am a 23 year survivor of domestic violence, and I feel that in today's society there is never enough help for those in danger from their loved ones. It is a sad state of affairs when you turn on the news and see another senseless death at the hands of a loved one.

Currently, I have my Bachelors of Science in Human Development, and I am working on my Masters degree. I feel that the time is right for me to be able to help others, at least on a part-time basis, until I can get the funding to be able to be there full-time.

For now, this is my why... what is yours?